Funny Bread Facts

YEAST: It’s more than just a cooking ingredient and the root of vaginal infections. (Yes, we did just say (gasp) vaginal! Get over it!) We all know bread has carbs, and carbs translate to extra weight; but, did you also know that bread can (sort of) be associated with cancer, crimes and countless other problems, like death, low test scores and over-eating. Don’t believe us? Read on as CT uncovers the ghastly truth about the sourness of sourdough. We dare you! Buttering you up... Before we go ahead and freak you out with scary facts, know that you aren’t going to die from eating bread, but you may just learn a scary statistic… or two. RESEARCH INDICATES THAT: 1) More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. That’s right. Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer and (perhaps) O.J. Simpson have more in common than just a love for the knife. On second thought, maybe not. 2) Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. Perhaps that explains why Frank (and practically all of the other non-paid CT staffers) get compensated in animal crackers. 3) In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were super-duper high; many women died during childbirth; and, diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza wiped out entire countries. So, what’s the implications of this startling fact? Don’t eat bread from the 18th century. Duh. 4) More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. No wonder why the Hamburglar is so damn sneaky! 5) Bread is made from a substance called “dough,” and it has been proven just as little of one pound of this dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. Scary, isn’t it? Just imagine what a pillow could do. 6) In primitive, tribal societies, where its members eat no bread, exhibit low incidences of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and osteoporosis. Interestingly enough, we bet they exhibit weird tastes in food, friends, foraging strategies and dating techniques. 7) Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, cold cuts, pickles and appetizer wiener dogs. 8) Bread absorbs water, and since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it makes sense that actually ingesting bread could cause your body to turn into a soggy bread-pudding person, thanks to the bread’s unique absorption capabilities. 9) Newborn babies can choke on bread. If you ask us, it’s like a lawsuit waiting to happen. 10) Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 11) Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant, scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. Case in point? You tell us! The yuck on yeast: About half of the women who use OTC products to treat what they assume are vaginal yeast infections misdiagnose their condition. BREADING HE TRUTH: Yeah, you know bread’s great for making sandwiches and for suffocating annoying mice, but did you also know that it could be used to dust your kitchen counter, absorb oil on a pizza and save water? It’s true. Read on to learn some other interesting uses, and fascinate yourself with some newfound insight. That is, if you are actually still reading this article. 1) Clean Your Kitchen Instead of using a rag that you’ll have to wash, why not use a piece of white bread. Just cut off the crusts (send them into CT), and dust those counters off, throwing away piece by piece after you’re done with them. Similarly, bread can also be used to clean paintings and non-washable wallpaper. 2) Make Your Pizza Healthier Want to cut your fat but aren’t ready to give up your right to cheesy pizza? Easy! Use a piece of white bread to blot the oil. It won’t stick, and it will absorb more oil than a mere napkin will. Try it. Your arteries will thank you. 3) Absorb Weird Veggie Odors So, you like cooking veggies, but the smell of stewed carrots makes you want to vomit, eh? No prob. Try putting a piece of white bread atop your cooking pot, and watch how your kitchen fumes instantly become veggie-free! If that doesn’t work, you could always take a clothespin and try squeezing your nostrils shut. That will do the trick, too! 4) Use It As A Sink Stopper Mush a couple of pieces of bread up, and use them as a sink stopper. Genius, huh? Yeah, we know. Aren’t our interns amazing?! HOW TO TELL IF YOU HAVE A BUN IN THE OVEN: 1) You pee 36 times (or more) a day but aren’t a drunk and don’t have a weird urinary problem. 2) You get unusual food cravings, like pickled lizard guts, burnt chicken or your mom’s peculiar meat-pasta surprise. 3) You’ve missed your period. 4) The smell of bread makes you throw up. 5) Your toes start to disappear. 6) Your ovaries swell like freshly baked bread.

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Topic name:	Funny Bread Facts

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